muneca_brava | (no subject)

I.
I always start thinking about Dreamwidth in the fall/winter. Maybe it's the seasonal depression? Maybe I associate this place with coziness and warmth? I also feel nostalgic for the old LJ days whenever I find a new fandom. I feel adrift now, trying to find a community, when it used to be easy to just join something. I remember when I started watching BBC Merlin, how fun it was to join the LJ community and meet people there. Good times. Now my fannishness is so much more solitary, which makes it feel more unhealthy? I hang out on reddit sometimes, but it's not quite the kind of fandom I used to like being a part of.

Tumblr is so weird for new fandoms. I started reblogging kpop stuff because it was all I could think about, but I felt kind of bad about it. Because who was even seeing it? I only have a few followers, but none of them are in this fandom. When I reblog movies or tv shows, at least it might interest anyone. But I know how many people I unfollowed over the years for turning into kpop blogs. There is no easy way to join a community on Tumblr unless you create, and I have no desire to do that. It's the same as when I used to reblog Supernatural gifsets; I always apologized in the tags because I felt like such a cliché. I usually make comments in the tags, and I never assume anyone reads them, but it's okay if they do. But what's the point of commenting in the tags of kpop posts when none of the people seeing them know what I'm talking about?

I love talking to people about things that I'm obsessed with, and I miss it. When I think back to my early years in fandom, I talked to people so much. I had ongoing chats with online friends about Doctor Who, there were reaction posts about episodes, etc. I also had RL fannish friends to talk to. Luckily, two of my best friends know about my fandom life and one of them is fannish as well, so I can talk to them about that part of me, but obviously I haven't seen much of them this year. And also, there is only so much you can yell at people about a Korean boyband before they start backing away from you, loll. The last time I saw them, I showed them 6 whole youtube videos before getting a hold of myself.
I wonder why I feel the need to apologize so much to no one. Probably nobody will read this post, yet I still feel like saying 'sorry for rambling' or 'sorry for coming to yet another place to yell about BTS'. Who cares!

Anyway. I might use this blog to ramble sometimes, I might not. Generally, I'm doing fine, I guess. This year is fucking weird, I feel like we need to keep taking a step back to realize that sometimes. My best friend is getting married next week and at best, I get to congratulate her from a distance with a mask on at city hall and then go home. Right now I'm waiting to find out if we're going into full lockdown again and if I can leave my house to come to work tomorrow or not. Last weekend, I couldn't see the only person I've been able to hug this last year because she had a light cold. Whenever I think about the state of the country and the world, I start to panic, so all I do is think about BTS. I'm finding it incredibly hard to figure out if I'm coping alright now partly because of the new obsession, of if the new obsession itself is a sign I'm not coping very well at all.